Answer
Jazakallah for writing to the institute regarding the problem you have with your wife. It is pleasing to note that you have sufficient concern for your wife to seek help on this matter. Although your wife refuses or is unable to have intercourse with you, allow me to suggest that you should exercise a great deal of tact, support and sabr.
I do not know what your wife’s age is, nor her level of education and her social and family background. Could it be that she comes from a family where this topic was never discussed and if it did arise, it was treated as aberrant behaviour and something to be ashamed of? This can have a negative effect on a young person especially if the adults deal with this topic in a negative, rejecting and “evil” way. Some parents either do not talk to their children about ‘sex’ at all. Or they deal with it in an obtusely, it is mentioned as something evil that is ‘done’ to women by their husbands. Or young men and women grow up believing that women are not supposed to enjoy sexual intercourse and that it is only due to the man’s desires that women have to “give in” to their husband’s demands.
This is far from the truth. Allah Ta’ala granted both genders the attribute of having the ability to desire and enjoy sexual intercourse. One has to remember that in Islam this should be an important aspect of every young person’s upbringing. The etiquette, manners and the role of sexual intercourse in a marriage are important considerations and need to be dealt with wisely by parents and significant adults in the education of young adults. The conception of a child is not regarded as being ” a sin” nor that a child is born out of / in sin.
The notion is often passed on that having sexual intercourse is very painful and to be feared. This can be passed on by elder sisters to younger sisters by friends or due to “old wives tales. Pain can also result in situations when the husband does not spend sufficient time in foreplay or he just lack the basic care, manners, or knowledge of the female anatomy and psyche. There could be a anatomical or physiological problem which leads to pain for your wife. A medical doctor will be able to help sort out this problem after she has a consultation, insha’allah..Her fear and anxiety most likely lead to her failure to relax and thus she does not become aroused.This in turn leads to the vagina not being sufficiently lubricated resulting in pain when she is penetrated.
Another factor to be considered is sexual molestation in childhood or later in early adulthood. I am not saying that this is the case with your wife, but this is another factor that can lead to fear of being intimate with a husband. In this case trust, of the opposite sex is destroyed.
You need to become her ‘friend’ first so that she can feel totally at ease with you.How about spending more time with her in recreational activities? Although it may be difficult for you, limit yourself to foreplay for a while and increase the level of foreplay till she completely relaxes. She needs to learn to enjoy you as a person and a partner whom she can trust not to hurt her and one who takes her fears and needs into consideration. This will increase her trust in you and insha’allah, also arouse an increasing desire to please you in many ways. Let her know that she is also entitled to enjoy sexual intercourse and that there is no harm in obtaining pleasure via it. Hopefully, she will slowly open up and be herself rather then respond to information which has caused anxiety about sex in her. Try to introduce the aspect of physical contact between husband and wife as a gift which Allah Ta’ala Himself allows as it cements a relationship. It is also Allah Ta’ala’s grand design that this is how children are conceived. Also obtain books written by Muslims on the sexual relationship between man and wife and read them with her, have discussions obtain her opinions.
Give her the opportunity to realise that in Islam sex is not considered as filthy, dirty or evil. That it is an act of ibaadah and much loved by Allah Ta’ala when a man and wife consolidate and satisfy their physical needs and desires (in marriage) by having sexual intercourse. A lot depends on you and how you handle this situation. Do remember to praise her other qualities and let her know that you care for her as a person. That she is not just a (sexual) object for you but that she has been granted to you by Allah Ta’ala as a gift, a partner, a companion, a friend, and a lover. She needs to realise that you can care for her even if she does not manage to respond to you sexually and that she is not a failure because she is having this problem at the moment. If she loses her confidence in thinking she cannot make you happy or if her self esteem is lost, she may just struggle to come to terms with her ability to please you in any other way.
Seeing that she does not want to go to a doctor, why don’t you visit a doctor and discuss this issue with him? He will make some practical suggestions which you can apply to get her to relax. When she is ready, you could use anatomical diagrams. Explain the physiology of the female reproductive system to help her realise that she is not in any danger nor will she come to harm by having sex with her husband. It is very important for her to deal with her anxiety and fear now so that when she falls pregnant and goes into labour, she will have a better understanding of what is happening within and to her body.
Please feel free to ask her to write to me if she so desires. May Allah Ta’ala grant both of you greater understanding, pleasure with each other and may your love grow for each other. Ameen.
And Allah Ta’ala knows best.
Wassalaam
1Social Department.
CHECKED & APPROVED: Mufti Ebrahim Desai
http://islamqa.org/hanafi/askimam/28430
